A New Dance!
Choreographed by our teenagers.
One night you tuck your kid in, go to bed, without realizing that it might be one of the last times you get to tuck them in… You wake up the next morning and go about your routine. Slowly your “clingy” kids begin to let go of their attachment with you. One day goes by, then another, and then a week, and a month without them asking “would you tuck me in?”
I know it might sound a bit dramatic, but it is the truth. This is the natural process of life. The process of separation as children become adolescents in search for their own identity and authenticity. A dismantling experience no one prepares parents for.
Your 13 or even 12 year old no longer wants to hug you or find you as that cool mom or dad you used to be. Their brains and bodies are preparing them to ripe to mature and for that to happen they must detach from their parents. But this process isn’t linear or consistent. In the morning they are excited to be with you and share things with you and by the evening day they feel sad, and hate on everything, including you.
If you aren’t emotionally mature this transition can be extremely hard on you. I speak from experience. It can be confusing, isolating, and even frustrating to navigate these ups and downs for parents. Especially if we see the situation through the lens of needing their love and approval. In essence this has nothing to do with us and has to do a lot with them.
Let’s nerd out a little bit, so we can understand them better. As their brains grow physically their hormones activate:
Hormones play a major role in the physical and emotional changes that occur during the teenage years. As teenagers go through puberty, their bodies start producing higher levels of hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and cortisol. These hormonal changes drive the physical transformations of puberty, such as growth spurts, development of sexual characteristics, and changes in body composition. But hormones also have a significant impact on teenagers' emotions and behavior.
The surging hormones can lead to mood swings, heightened emotions, and increased sensitivity to stress. Teenagers may experience more intense feelings of joy, sadness, anger, or anxiety compared to when they were children. This is because hormones influence the parts of the brain responsible for regulating emotions and impulses.
Understanding what your teen is going through is key for their need for greater independence and one of the most important opportunities for growth any parent can experience. But you need to be willing.
Willing to listen
Willing to hold space
Willing to let go
Willing to see your triggers and areas of lack/pain
Willing to support
Willing to wait patiently
Willing to accept the eye rolls
Willing to allow them feel all the feels
Willing to see yourself in the mirror
Willing to trust them
Willing to move from correcting them to connecting with them
Willing to accept a new version of them. A version you aren’t used to (yet)
Teens "need to not need you" as parents, as they are on a path to attain independence.
—Dr Gabor Maté.
I wish there was a clear playbook for how to navigate this season in life. It is so different for every parent and for every teenager. And it varies weekly, sometimes daily. I have worked with a great friend of mine for many years. He is also a coach and we often speak about THE DANCE: “dancing with what is.” So whilst there is no specific recipe, my advice to parents is to learn to dance. Dance requires connection, freedom, creativity, improvisation, beauty, emotion, synchronicity, and atunement.
Learning this new dance will allow you to see them for who they are becoming, accept them as they transition, and also will allow you to connect with parts in yourself that need attention and care. This dance isn’t easy because your dance partner is not 100% invested in your choreography; but trust me that one random evening when they are tired of their own dance they will come to you and ask you again “mama will you tuck me in please?”
I love this instagram account Rasing Teens Today because it helps me dance lighter. Especially at 11:30 pm!
