I am neurodiverse living in a neurotypical world...

And so is my son!!!

Note: this post is not about strategies for ADHD or dyslexia or autism. This post is about the role of the parent in creating the environment where neurodiverse pathways were created and how to support neurodiverse children.

I am writing this at the same time as I am supporting my son do his school work, or as we call it nowadays “brain practice.” Getting to this point takes a lot of effort, many hours, tension, sometimes voices raised, and energy for both of us. It is hard for me. It is harder for him. But if anyone understands what he feels as he climbs this mountain, is me. (I will get to my story in another post)

"I don't want to do my work" is his favorite phrase, and on the surface, it might seem like a sign of laziness, a lack of discipline, or a simple dislike for the task. However, since the problem is never the problem but only the symptom, under deeper exploration there could be a few possible causes: he has lost confidence in his abilities, the work does not produce enough dopamine, or he feels like a failure every time he needs to read and try processing an instruction for the 7th time.

The thing is, no one can perform well when they feel stupid or not intelligent. No one can perform well when impulses rule them. No can perform well when they have received negative messages throughout their short lives. Psychiatrist and author William W. Dodson, MD, estimates that by age 12, children who have ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages from parents, teachers, and other adults than their friends and siblings who do not have ADHD.

Imagine the impact that has on their self steam and on the belief they make about themselves.

My son was evaluated, around the age of 9, (and a few weeks ago) and we got confirmation about his neurodiversity: ADHD, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia Highly Sensitive, and Severe Anxiety. The former one being a result of the previous 5. How these show up in his daily life can be examined through the lens of dysregulation, and lack of impulse control and the delayed of his executive functioning. A morning at home means every single door stays open (I mean EVERY one), every light is on, all things he used are either on the floor or on top of places they don’t belong to. He loses and breaks absolutely 100% of the things he owns, including that expensive laptop we payed the school for. My son forgets the majority of stuff he is responsible for, even the things he plans and wants to do with excitement at first. He forgets to do or turn in homework, he has moments of hyper-activeness that resembles a speed car chase scene, and he has moments of deep sadness that can break his heart into tears. He can be defiant and stubborn. He struggles significantly at school, not socially, but academically. And not because he is isn’t smart, his IQ is insanely high, but because the way the lectures/format are set up is not brain-friendly for him.

Being a parent of a neurodiverse kid is hard for a neurodiverse parent, so I can imagine how hard it must be for a neurotypical parent… experiencing the world so differently. Whether that kid is on the spectrum or has ADHD or [insert any of the many diagnosis available today]. Everyone is wondering why more children are being diagnosed as neurodiverse. Some say it is because more diagnosis exist and some science points toward a genetic change. Let me share with you a different view, which you may not like, about what could be causing children to struggle so much. According to Gabor Mate, it cannot be genetics, because anything spreading in a population this quickly, can't be genetic. Genes don't change in a population over 10 years, over 20 years, not even 100 years. So whatever it is causing it, is not fully genetic.

So if it isn’t solely genetics then what could be the root cause? Let’s consider the environment for a moment. The prefrontal cortex needs a series of conditions to develop in healthy ways, and the emotional circuits depend heavily on the early environment. Especially the early connection to the mother and her regulated presence.

Did you know that if you don't see light for five years after birth, it doesn't matter how good your eyes were, how good your genes were, you’d be blind for the rest of your life? Because it takes light waves to promote the development of the visual circuits. It's that simple with the emotional self regulation circuits that are not functioning very well in our kids these days. With the attentional circuits, with the impulse regulation circuits, with the stress regulation circuits, it's the same thing, just like light is needed for vision, the right environment is needed for those circuits to develop. It’s physiological development and neurochemistry of the brain. And here is the part you may not like: You create that environment for their first years. They learn to self-regulate, they learn safety circuits from you. When those are not there children develop self-defense mechanisms like spacing out, disassociating, depressing emotions, or being impulsive.

According to child and psychoanalyst Erica Komisar, that missing piece may be found in the critical importance of early childhood relationships, particularly the mother-child bond, for healthy brain development. Here is an excerpt from a recent interview with Erica at the Diaries of a CEO podcast. But if you do not have 2 hours to spare, I recorded this bit for you.

Drawing upon the research of Erica Komisar, the Attachment theory framework, and both my neuroscience for coaching training with Dr Sarah McKay and insights from my year-long certification with Gabor Maté, I've come to understand how a dysregulated early environment, especially one lacking consistent emotional connection and attuned caregiving, can potentially contribute to the development of various neurodevelopmental conditions:

Dyslexia.

• Early Life Stress: Chronic stress during early childhood can affect brain plasticity and development, particularly in regions associated with reading and language processing.

• Lack of Early Language Stimulation: Insufficient exposure to rich language experiences and limited parent-child symbolic play interactions may impact phonological awareness development.

Autism

• Disrupted Attachment: Lack of consistent eye contact and emotional attunement between caregivers and infants may affect social brain development.

• Sensory Overload: An environment with excessive, unpredictable sensory stimuli could overwhelm a child's developing nervous system.

Dysgraphia

• Limited Fine Motor Practice: Insufficient opportunities for fine motor skill development in early childhood may impact handwriting abilities.

• Stress During Writing Tasks: Repeated negative experiences with early writing attempts could lead to anxiety and avoidance behaviors.

ADHD

• Inconsistent Routines: Lack of predictable daily structures may hinder the development of self-regulation skills2.

• Overstimulating Environment: Constant exposure to rapid-paced, highly stimulating media or chaotic surroundings could affect attention regulation.

I know this realization hits hard. Trust me, I've been there, frozen, as I understood the weight of my role in shaping my son's brain development… It felt like a punch to the gut. The guilt, the fear, the "what ifs" - they all came crashing down at once. But here's the thing: this knowledge isn't meant to crush us. It's meant to light a fire under us.

We can't rewrite our past, and dwelling on what should have been won't serve our kids (or ourselves). We did the best we could, given the circumstances and the knowledge we had at the time. The good news is, we're here now, armed with new understanding, and neuroplasticity shows us that we have the power to create a more supportive environment right now. This is our chance to shape a different story. It's not about being a perfect parent - it's about being present, being aware, and being willing to grow alongside our children.

So, what can we do as parents to support our neurodiverse children and create an environment that fosters healthy brain development? Here are some practices you can apply:

1. Practice Self-Care: It all starts with you.

• Acknowledge your own stress and emotions

• Take time for activities that recharge you

• Seek support when you need it - from friends, family, or professionals. You shouldn’t do this alone.

2. Focus on Connection (probably the hardest)

• Prioritize building a strong, loving bond with your child

• Listen to understand their feelings, not just their words

• Validate their emotions, even if you don't agree with their reactions

3. Create a supportive home environment

• Establish predictable routines

• Provide a calm space for your child to retreat when overwhelmed

• Adjust your expectations to match your child's abilities

• Practice self-regulation techniques

4. Embrace their strengths

• Help your child identify and develop their unique talents

• Avoid comparisons to neurotypical peers or siblings

• Celebrate the heck out of the small victories your child accomplishes

5. Address underlying needs

• Look underneath the behavior to understand what's driving it

• Teach emotional regulation skills through modeling and practice

• Break tasks into manageable steps to support executive functioning

• Don’t obsess with school or academic work. Once they feel heard and cared for the rest will follow

6. Advocate for Your Child

• Work with schools to ensure appropriate strategies, accommodations, and support

• Educate others about neurodiversity to reduce stigma

• Support organizations pushing for more inclusive societal structures

• Hire a coach or therapist to accompany their journey

• Hire specialists to guide them through they learning/executive functioning challenges

This journey, while tough, is about moving forward together, learning as we go, and creating a space where both you and your child can breathe a little easier. I am not a scientist (yet,) but I have lived through this journey myself. What I suggest above are small practices, you can take to help your kids build the resilience and emotional safety they need to face a neurotypical world with confidence.

“Struggling does not mean failure. Struggling means successfully not giving up."
— Coach Bennett. Nike’s Global Running Coach .

Thank you for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts…