Let them hurt.

Allow them and guide them to feel pain, discomfort, and sadness.

Hello from Turkey. I was on a plane a few weeks ago flying over the Atlantic. And I witnessed a father doing the unthinkable. He was traveling with 3 young girls. The oldest must have been 5 or 6 years old. The youngest girl wanted to sit with her older sisters who we sat in front of her. When the flight attendant grabbed the little girl to sit her down in the seat beside her father, the little girl lost it. Imagine a full on tantrum. It was impossible to ignore even with noise canceling airpods on.

Everyone around me were loosing their minds. Imagine a group of adults(including some entitled ones) whispering “that kid needs a spanking” or “what a brat” or “why doesn’t the dad do something” or “sir, do something” or even worse “sighing in utter judgement.” As we looked at the girl and dad, some people offered the girl food in an attempt to make her pain go away. The unthinkable part of this story is that the dad was able to stay so regulated he allowed her daughter to feel and process! He was focused only on her. The dad decided to ignore the stares and sighs around him, and held space for her. He held her and allowed her to punch, kick, and scream. After crying so deeply, the girl held her dad, laid on his lap, and fell fast asleep.

Witnessing this was inspiring and eye opening. Observing how triggered people get when I kid struggles. The women closer to them was giving the little girls toys, the other person a cookie, the flight attendant doing the puppet dance. All trying to make the crying disappear. On the flip side her dad allowed his daughter to feel and process the way she needed. He gave her permission to feel.

I remember traveling with my kids to Madrid when they were little and feeling overwhelmed. One thing I will never forget is an older Mom telling me “don’t worry about us. You will never see us again. Focus on your kids.”

We tend to feel so uncomfortable when others, especially our children, feel anything other than happiness.

The story of the dad on the plane reminded me of a couple of videos:

One I recorded close to a year ago about how we have come to belief that our jobs as parents is to never allow our kids to suffer.

And one about a dad holding space for his daughter:

A friend asked me: So how do I hold space for my children when they aren’t toddlers having tantrums, but rather tweens or teens acting out? If you noticed the dad in the video he is highly regulated. He is grounded in his purpose. And the way this translates to older kids and even young adults is to first start with yourself. By self-regulating you will be able to respond instead of react (read my post on reacting) and to develop the patience needed to give them the time and space they need to either vent, be rude, or hide in their rooms. I still would encourage you to let them know you are there for when they are ready. Giving space does not mean abandoning them, it means creating distance for them to process whilst knowing you are there in case they feel too overwhelmed. Checking in with them helps in the process. If too much time goes by and they have not been able to process on their own. This can take weeks by the way, the older they get.

I recommend you read The Swimming Pool Metaphor from the book titled Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, where Dr. Lisa Damour compares parenting to a swimming pool. This metaphor applies to both boys and girls; and I would say it applies to kids of ages 8+.

I hope these videos inspire you to allow your children to feel their feelings. And to explore what drives the need inside you to stop them from doing so.

I leave you with these questions:

• How can I allow this child to feel?

• How can I hold space for this child right now?

• How can I feel more comfortable with the pain my kids feel?

Enjoy the process of creating space for your kids to learn how to feel the full range of emotions and feelings.