Underneath control you can find fear, insecurities, and lack.
All three are different versions of our ego. An ego which was born to “protect” us when we were young and we didn’t get what we needed from our caregivers.
Our ego now lingers. It shows up in the most unexpected places and with people we love most.
Through conscious parenting coaching we are able to get acquainted with our ego and help it retire. This, in my experience, is the meaning of life!
Here is Dr. Shefali's perspective on controlling parenting:
Controlling parents often try to dictate every aspect of their child's life and demand strict obedience, which can have long-lasting negative effects on the child's development and ability to become an independent adult.
Dr. Shefali emphasizes the importance of parents letting go of worry and fear, and avoiding the urge to remove all obstacles from their child's life. She says parents should allow their children to make their own mistakes and learn.
Dr. Shefali advises parents to establish healthy boundaries and give their children more autonomy, rather than offering unsolicited advice, criticizing their decisions, or trying to guilt them into doing what the parents want.
She stresses the need for parents to focus on building a supportive, trusting relationship with their child, using an even, measured tone and actively listening without judgment, rather than a controlling dynamic.
Dr. Shefali emphasizes the importance of parents being willing to let go of control as their child transitions into adulthood, respecting their independence and autonomy even if the parents don't agree with all their choices.
What are the effects that controlling parents have on their adult children?
A strict and controlling parenting style can end up inflicting more harm than good. The effects of a controlling parent on a child can last long into adulthood, and can be present in the following ways:
Anxiety and depression
Approval-seeking tendencies
Difficulty with decision-making
Difficulty in expressing their opinions
Extreme sensitivity to others opinion
Insecure attachment in relationships
Lack of creative thinking
Low self-esteem and self-worth
People-pleasing tendencies
Perfectionism
Risk-taking behaviors
Shame and doubt
Tendency to be dishonest
What can you do to reduce controlling tendencies?
There are many articles and studies out there where you can find strategies to learn to let go of control. I would copy them here, but I have tried so many, that in the end I wanted to share the ONLY one that has worked for me:
Practice an unwavering sense of trust in myself so that my worth is not defined by the things and the people I control. Of course, this is hard work. The hardest job in the world actually. And the good news is that it is doable! By turning the need to fix others and their lives to spending time tending to what comes up inside when we feel the urge to control. With love and care, and most importantly with trust in the present moment.
Control lives in the future, whilst trust lives in the NOW.