What gives you the right to yell at us?
You = Parents. Us = Kids.
This post is for anyone who's ever struggled with yelling at their kids, felt disconnected, or is thirsty for a more compassionate way of parenting.
Let's dive into a story of vulnerability, neuroscience, and transformative practices.
I was cleaning up my laptop and came across this piece of gold!
During quarantine, one of our daughters wanted to produce a podcast. One that focused on recording raw and unscripted conversations between kids and parents. To keep parents honest.
In this episode we spoke about the deep impact yelling at children can have on them.
And even though it hurts my stomach a bit to share this with you, I recommend you listen, because the thoughts and emotions our kids share are some of the wisest I have heard in a long time.
After listening to it again, and melting a little from hearing their younger voices, I wanted to share these insights:
It is not that kids don’t listen, they are focused on something else, and we come in expecting them to drop everything when we say something.
Hearing myself saying “how exhausting it is to repeat things” has reminded me of how unconscious and disconnected I was from my kids. Focused on having control and being stuck in a fantasy rather than connecting with my children.
I made excuses about being triggered and then yelling; making it sound like it was their fault we, and all the parents in the world, yell.
I also noticed my ego showing up, needing recognition for starting to work on myself.
It was not easy to hear a version of myself that had not started the process of healing. But I can have compassion for that version and her patterns.
I can see why helping people (parents and leaders) end cycles of generational trauma/patterns has become an important focus of my work. “my parents yelled at me and I turned out ok” doesn’t cut it anymore.
I hear myself wanting to let you, the reader, know that I did not yell at my kids as much as they say I did. But the truth is, to them it felt that way and that is the part I want to honor.
I am glad they had the space to share with us, because in the training I do with Gabor Mate I have learned that kids who have no one to share their emotions with grow up with a lot more pain than those who do.
As I reflected on the conversation, I couldn't help but wonder about the science behind our interactions. So let me share a bit about the impact yelling at our kids can have on their development:
🧠 When parents yell, it triggers a cascade of neurological responses in a child's developing brain. The sudden surge of stress hormones, particularly cortisol, can impair the prefrontal cortex—the brain's command center for rational thinking and emotional regulation.
😵 This means that in moments of high stress, children may struggle to think clearly or make reasoned decisions. Chronic exposure to yelling can have even more profound effects. It can potentially alter brain structure, leading to long-term changes in brain development.
🧠💾 The hippocampus, crucial for learning and memory formation, may be particularly affected. This could impact a child's ability to form new memories and retrieve existing ones. Funny how I always joke about having bad memory :|
🎭 Frequent yelling doesn't just affect cognitive functions. It can also disrupt the delicate balance of neurotransmitters in the brain, including serotonin, which plays a vital role in mood regulation.
I want to go back to patterns for a moment. When parents yell at their kids one might asume that the pattern is the yelling, however what we see on the surface (the behaviour) is never the issue, the pattern lives was deeper inside of us. When we yell it means we have lost control, so the learned behaviour shows up to help us feel back in control. The beautiful news, and an invitation for you, is that over the years we have learned about neuroplasticity. Scientists have learned that brains are adaptable and can change. Human connection has been proven to help rewire brains in positive ways.
When we shift our role as parents from controlling to connecting, magic happens. And whilst we will many times fall back into our patterns we also have the power to about create moments of genuine understanding; for ur and for our children.
I invite you to choose patience over frustration, curiosity over judgement, and connection over control. When you accomplish this shift you are able to create a safe environment for your child’s brain to develop and for yours to recover.
These are practices (inspired by my training in Compassionate Inquiry with Gabor Mate) that can help you build connection and reduce your need for control:
🫂 Attunement Practice
Take a few minutes each day to fully attune to your child. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and simply be present. Notice their body language, tone of voice, and emotions without judgment. This practice strengthens your connection and helps your child feel truly seen and understood
🧘♀️ Self-Awareness Pause
Before reacting to your child's behavior, pause and check in with yourself.
Ask: "What am I feeling right now? What unresolved issues might this be triggering in me? Where do I feel it in my body?” This self-reflection helps you respond thoughtfully rather than react unconsciously, breaking generational patterns
🌱 Unconditional Presence
When your child is upset, resist the urge to withdraw or punish. Instead, offer your presence unconditionally. Say, "I'm here for you, no matter what you're feeling." This practice teaches your child that all emotions are acceptable and that your love is not conditional on their behavior
By the way, you can apply these practices with your partners, colleagues, parents, and those who are closest to you.
I am curious to hear your insights and also if you have any strategies or practices that you would like to share with the parents reading this post? (please comment below)