When our kids get into situations with others kids we tend to react to defend them. Even if we weren’t present when the “attack” happened we get outraged, triggers, and worst of all WE GET INVOLVED! And yes, we can hide behind the socially accepted norm of being “mama or papa bears” but the reality is that we cause more damage in the long term than we think. Why? Because we rob our kids the opportunity to make their own assessment of a hard situation and to feel what THEY are meant to feel.
When our kid shares a story with us that was hurtful we pass their recounts through our own filters and triggers. Making it practically impossible to listen to their stories objectively and without reacting. Immediately we place labels on the ones who hurt them and jump to protect them, feeling sorry and outraged. Whilst we have naturally learned these behaviours there is a grand opportunity to shift them into behaviours that help empower our kids for the future. What I mean by this is that:
When our kids come to us to share something important that has happened to them, first acknowledge how meaningful and important it will be for them to meet a parent who is:
Regulated
Curious
Empathetic
and compassionate
When they share, their need isn’t a solution nor a conclusion. They aren’t looking for a problem-solver, they are looking for a safe place to share openly. The biggest need they have is to be seen and heard. And to feel validation about their role in the situation. And what a great opportunity this is to help empower them for any future challenging situation by asking:
How did that make you feel?
Was there someone else there to support you?
What could you do next time?
What do you think your role was in the situation?
What did you learn from this experience?
When your kids shares, I recommend these questions come after thanking them for sharing with you. There is nothing worse than going through a challenging situation alone. If they are clearly upset, also let them know you are there for them. Sometimes a hug speaks louder than words. In the video I speak about putting your kid at the center, like the sun, so that these empowering moments with you serve them are other planets orbit around them through their lives. Now, you can only achieve empowering them when you aren’t feeling triggered by their story. Our triggers potentially will drive them to need to care for our emotions or to minimize the situation and to feel the need to protect us. Reversing their original need they had of being seeing and heard. They might even begin to wonder: “if my parent is so upset, perhaps I did something wrong?”
When our kids share with us, we are blessed with multiple opportunities to evolve. To show them by example the importance of responding instead of reacting. Reactions take power away from us whilst responses build responsibility and accountability. And yes, I know, it SUCKS to see them hurting. But please make sure what you think they are feeling isn’t a projection of how you are feeling.
When my son shared a story with me…
I would like to share a personal story of how I reacted to something my son shared with me. Mind you, he never said he was hurt or upset by what happened. I picked him up from a playdate with both of his best friends. When I asked if we needed to give a ride to one of them he said “no, he is spending the night and they would rather just be the two of them” (even writing this I feel this punch in my stomach) and oh, the thoughts!!! “my son is being excluded” “How dare they?” “And the mom, she calls herself my dear friend!” “I would NEVER exclude a kid like this” ending on my usual pattern of wanting to flee “Of course there will be no more playdates here, ever!” I am glad that I have been doing a lot of inner work to recognize when my triggers and patterns flourish, but my son was able to pick up on my nervous system’s reaction. And he asked me “is everything ok?” and with my sweetest and fakest voice I replied “of course cariño.” As we got closer to home and I was able to self-regulate I asked him how he felt about not spending the night. And his reply blew my mind away “I understand that for one of my friends being a group of 3 can be too hard, so we have decided to take turns.” (cue music scratch here.) Imagine if I had said out loud all the shit I was thinking and feeling based on my own triggers? I would have never learned what a special and respectful friendship these 3 boys have. What a lesson!
When they share a story about a hard situation remember that empowering them is the best training, and gift, you can give them. And it does not have to be in the moment. Seeing you listening to them without reacting or fixing is already one life tool many of us did not learn growing up.
When they share, listen.
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