“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!” Is one of the most common sentences we have allowed ourselves, as a society, to ask children. Asking someone this question infers that they have made a fool of themselves. It implies very loudly that they are wrong at the chore. It insults their character. And by the way, no one has ever been recorded to answer that question, (at least not genuinely.)
One of parents hardest conditionings to break is correcting or putting children down. It happens so unconsciously that you can see it everywhere. In the supermarket, at a soccer practice, during pick up, and at restaurants. When we feel ashamed, as parents, our interactions with our children inevitably come from a place of lack of control and that motivates us to use terms that are shameful to a child.
Take this example: A kid is playing with a ball in the house, that kid has heard from several adults in his life that playing with a ball inside the house is not ok, yet the kid (who lives fully in the present moment) forgets and proceeds to play with the ball. The ball spins off , knock a glass that is on the counter onto the floor, and the glass shatters… The parent gets furious and proceeds to blurt out sentences like “What were you thinkg?” “I have told you so many time and you simply don’t listen!!!”, etc.
Now, please PAUSE READING RIGHT HERE and analyze the thoughts coming up for you. What are you thinking? What is coming up for you? Are you blaming the kid? Whose voice is that in your head? Is it yours? Your parent’s? Are you justifying the parent’s reactions? Are you thinking “the kid is just a kid”? Whatever is coming up for you is a golden nugget. Please do not feel shame or guilt. It is natural for these tendencies to come into play when we are faced with children exploring, testing boundaries and their limits. I invite this moment of reflection because it is a crucial step in becoming more self-aware and conscious.
Why do I find this topic so important? Because a child who grows up with a constant feeling of shame and/or guilt can have significant negative consequences on their emotional and psychological well-being, as well as their overall development. Here are several reasons why it is considered harmful:
Impact on Self-Esteem: Shaming can severely damage a child's self-esteem. Constantly feeling criticized or humiliated may lead to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, which can have long-lasting effects on their self-image.
Development of Negative Self-Image: Children who experience shame regularly may develop a negative self-image. This negative perception of oneself can affect their confidence, social interactions, and overall mental health.
Inhibition of Emotional Expression: Shamed children may become hesitant to express their emotions openly. Fear of judgment or retribution can lead to emotional suppression, making it difficult for them to develop healthy emotional regulation skills.
Impact on Learning and Development: Shaming can hinder a child's ability to learn and explore new things. Fear of making mistakes due to potential shame may discourage them from taking risks, trying new activities, or engaging in creative endeavors.
Disruption of Parent-Child Relationship: Shaming erodes the trust and bond between parents or caregivers and children. A child who feels consistently criticized or embarrassed by those they look up to may withdraw emotionally or develop a strained relationship with their caregivers.
Potential for Mental Health Issues: Chronic experiences of shame in childhood may contribute to the development of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and even behavioral problems. These issues may persist into adulthood if not addressed.
Social and Interpersonal Challenges: Shamed children may struggle with forming healthy relationships. Feelings of unworthiness or fear of judgment can impede their ability to connect with others and navigate social situations effectively.
Loss of Authenticity: Shame moves us away from who we truly are, especially for children who are forming their identity and their beliefs system.
In an article by the Harvard Health Publishing called: Think hard before shaming children they reinforce the importance of the hin line that lies between correction and shame:
“Shaming may make children feel like they cannot change. Rather than motivating them, it may make them feel like they aren't capable.”
So how do we, parents who love our children so much, break the generational cycle of unconsciously shaming our children?
I have researched and gathered a few strategies to avoid and to practice:
Avoid:
Public Humiliation: A parent might publicly criticize or embarrass a child, whether in front of family, friends, or classmates. This can include mocking the child, making sarcastic comments, or using derogatory language.
Comparisons to Others: Constantly comparing a child unfavorably to their siblings, peers, or other children can be a form of shaming. Phrases like "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Look at how well-behaved your friend is" can have detrimental effects on a child's self-esteem.
Negative Labels: Assigning negative labels to a child, such as calling them lazy, stupid, or a troublemaker, can contribute to feelings of shame. These labels can become internalized, impacting the child's self-perception.
Guilt-Inducing Statements: Using guilt as a tool for discipline, such as saying, "You always disappoint me" or "I sacrifice so much for you, and this is how you repay me," can create a sense of shame in the child.
Ridicule for Mistakes: Instead of offering guidance and support when a child makes a mistake, a parent might ridicule or mock them. Belittling a child for their errors can make them afraid of trying new things or taking risks.
Withdrawal of Affection: Withholding love, attention, or affection as a form of punishment can be emotionally damaging. The child may feel unlovable or unworthy, contributing to a sense of shame.
Body-Shaming: Making negative comments about a child's appearance, weight, or physical attributes can lead to body image issues and contribute to a sense of shame related to their physical identity.
Constant Criticism: Providing constant negative feedback without acknowledging positive efforts can lead to a pervasive sense of inadequacy. A child might feel that nothing they do is ever good enough.
“In a nutshell we find it hard to leave as our authentic two selves because in childhood that wasn't accepted and celebrated and recognized by a rearing environment our parents were too stressed and too separated from themselves to really embrace our own authenticity so we had to give it up in order to survive.”
— Dr Gabor Maté. Society Has Shamed Us From Being Ourselves
Practice:
Positive Reinforcement:
Example: Acknowledge and praise positive behavior. For instance, say, "I appreciate how you cleaned up your toys without being asked. Great job!"
Constructive Feedback:
Example: Instead of criticizing, offer constructive feedback. For example, say, "I noticed you struggled with this task. Let's work on it together, and I'll help you improve."
Effective Communication:
Example: Engage in open and empathetic communication. Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Setting Clear Expectations:
Example: Clearly communicate expectations and rules. Ensure your child understands what is expected of them and why certain behaviors are important.
Modeling Behavior:
Example: Demonstrate the behavior you want to see in your child. Children often learn by observing their parents, so modeling positive behavior can be powerful.
Encouraging Independence:
Example: Foster independence by allowing your child to make age-appropriate decisions. This helps build their confidence and a sense of autonomy.
Problem-Solving Together:
Example: Instead of blaming, work together to find solutions to problems. Collaborative problem-solving teaches valuable skills and strengthens the parent-child relationship.
Emphasizing Effort Over Perfection:
Example: Focus on the effort your child puts into a task rather than solely on the outcome. Encourage them to try their best and learn from mistakes.
Creating a Supportive Environment:
Example: Foster an environment where your child feels safe expressing themselves. Offer emotional support and reassurance during challenging times.
Teaching Emotional Regulation:
Example: Help your child recognize and manage their emotions. Teach them healthy coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills.
Encouraging Individuality:
Example: Celebrate your child's unique qualities and interests. Support their individuality and avoid comparing them to others.
And to all my neuroscience junkies here; dive into the study I briefly refer to in the video: The Neural Signatures of Shame, Embarrassment, and Guilt: A Voxel-Based Meta-Analysis on Functional Neuroimaging Studies. Published online 2023 Mar 26. doi: 10.3390/brainsci13040559
“One case in point is shame, which has been proposed as an algorithm the brain uses to inhibit socially and morally unwanted behaviours.”
If you don’t have time to watch my video I asked ChatGPT to create a summary of the transcript. (pretty spot on:)
The story emphasizes the need to support children in their learning and growth without resorting to shame, fostering an environment where they feel seen, heard, and valued. It encourages a shift in parental expectations, promoting understanding of children's developmental stages and acknowledging that mistakes are part of the learning process. Ultimately, the message advocates for compassionate and mindful parenting to cultivate confident, authentic, and resilient individuals.
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