The literal definition of “trigger” is a small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, especially in order to fire a gun. When we speak about triggers in daily life we refer to it as a stimulus that elicits a reaction. The key words being spring and reaction.
Imagine this situation; you repeatedly ask your child to do something. You can fill in the blank for whatever that “something” is… picking up their plate after they eat or getting off their devices. If your child feels safe to express their opinion or they are in that natural phase where they need to rebel against you, they will naturally ignore your request. Inevitably you continue to ask them to do X and inevitably you get triggered because you believe they are ignoring you, not listening, or even worse, disrespecting you. We’ve all been there. The slow activation of our blood flow, the accelerated heartbeat, and in my case the clenched jaw. I am sure that even just reading this example a part in your body feels is activating with tension. Right?
If you were to act on that triggered tension that would become a reaction. Most reactions tend to be negative because they are unconscious and in many occasions hurtful. Reacting negatively can impact people’s relationships in many ways. Especially impact kids negatively by creating emotional insecurity, poor self regulation and poor conflict resolution skills, self-esteem issues, anxiety and hyper vigilance, lack of empathy, etc.
Besides emotional and psychological impact, research shows that kids who are exposed to parents who frequently react in negative, harsh or unpredictable ways, can have significant impact on their developing brains:
Impaired neural connectivity - High levels of stress from angry or volatile parental reactions can impair the formation of neural pathways and connectivity in the brain. This impacts cognitive and emotional development.
Reduced hippocampus size - The hippocampus is crucial for memory and learning. Studies show children from highly stressful, reactive home environments tend to have smaller hippocampal volumes.
Overactive amygdala - The amygdala regulates fear and threat detection. With reactive parenting, the amygdala can become hyper-responsive, making children more anxious and reactive themselves.
Disrupted prefrontal cortex - This area governs reasoning, impulse control and emotion regulation. Its development can be stunted by unpredictable parental reactivity and lack of attunement.
Chronic cortisol elevation - Frequent activations of the "fight-or-flight" stress response leads to high cortisol levels. This can have toxic effects on the developing brain over time.
Epigenetic changes - Harsh parenting appears to alter the expression of genes impacting stress regulation, emotion processing and social behavior.
In essence, a consistently reactive parenting environment prevents the normal, healthy wiring of the brain for cognitive, social and emotional capacities. It predisposes children to difficulties with anxiety, aggression and poor self-regulation later in life.
Some key characteristics of being in a reactive mode as a parent:
Yelling, criticizing or overreacting to the child's behavior
Reacting out of habit or impulse rather than conscious choice and without curiosity
Failing to see the child's perspective due to being consumed by emotion or by beliefs
Regretting the reaction once calm — we have all been here :(
One of the most important jobs we have as parents is to model self-regulation for our children. This can only be accomplished by identifying key triggers that spring us into a reactive mode. These are different for all of us. Negative reactions can fluctuate based on various factors such as the time of day, energy levels, or the extent to which emotions from past experiences are ingrained in our nervous system. For example, if as a child you were told you were annoying, then someone calling your child annoying will most likely be very triggering. While our triggers may be deeply rooted, the great news is that when we are able to witness our triggers and reactions, we can develop the ability to choose how to respond.
The key difference between responding and reacting is that responding involves a thoughtful, conscious choice of action, while reacting is an unconscious, emotionally-driven impulse.
“Reactive behavior is based on a belief that the world is happening to us. Therefore it is our duty to impose ourselves or to defend what’s happening.”
— Michael Brown (The Presence Process)
I invite you to pay attention to external things that trigger you. And more than exploring why these trigger you, I invite you to reconnect with how they feel. The more you connect with these, the more able you will be to move from being reactive to being more responsive.
There are many benefits of responding. Responding with patience and empathy creates a positive environment where children feel safe to express emotions and it is proven to reduce trauma when they reach adulthood. Responding allows parents to:
Address the real root cause behind a behavior
Model emotional intelligence and self-regulation
Foster positive habits and attitudes
These are questions to help you become familiar with the emotions that trigger your reactions:
Where do I feel it?
How does it feel?
How long does it last?
Am I familiar with this feeling?
Can I sit with this uncomfortable feeling?
I invite you to be kind with yourself when you react, especially with your children, and to become curious about what your body signals about the main triggers in your life.
My clients keep a journal of these discoveries. This practice helps them transition from a state of impulsive reactivity to a more mindful and responsive approach when interacting with their children. As they become more adept at recognizing and managing their own emotions, they create space for more meaningful, nurturing relationships with their kids.
PS: This practice enhances relationships with spouses/partners, or any close relationships.
“Response-ability. Responsibility is the ability to respond in the present moment.”
— Gabor Maté
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