I have done a significan amount of inner growth to be self-aware of my deepest wounds and of my patterns.
About 3 to 4 years ago I noticed overwhelming lack mindset. If you are my friend and have spent time with me this information might shock you. Because you know me as someone who has developed growth mindset and tends to look at life through the lens of abundance. However, what goes on underneath all those efforts, my natural state If you will, is to constantly be searching for what’s not done yet.
DONE is my love language and my addiction. I grew up being praised for the things I DID or accomplished. My worth became dependent on doing. An imprint for how I show up in the world, especially as a mom. Focusing on what’s lacking… on what’s yet to be done or accomplished. I call this my blindfold. I can feel it in my stomach when the sensations are about to become emotions and thoughts, to then come out as words. “Great, but you’ve yet to do this” or “why do you wait so long to do x?” Or even worse “I can’t believe you have wasted all day.” I was able to be a mom wearing this blindfold for about 13 years; until one uneventful Tuesday afternoon one of my kids decided to rip the blindfold off. More than a blindfold it felt like duck tape was being pealed, harshly, taking eye brows, eye lashes, hair, and parts of my skin. The words still echo in me “nothing we ever do is ever good enough, we can do 30 great things in a day and you laser into the ONE thing we haven’t done yet...” rightfully followed by a door slam.
Thankfully the timing was perfect. I was starting my awakening process so I was able to slowly open my eyes. So much light that bonded me at first, but later on allowed me to reframe my focus on becoming someone who intentionally notices. I notice. I pay attention to what my kids do and to who they are authentically. Instead of wasting energy on what’s yet to be done. I now choose to notice things everyday. Small and big. Things like, they are alive! Hahaha, they made it through one more day, without getting hurt, and whilst learning lots. They said a kind word to their siblings, or they pushed themselves to go to the gym when they didn’t feel like it. And to me the struggle is real. Because these things I focus on don’t come naturally to me. My operating system will constantly go to what’s missing to tick off the to-do list or to things other than add to the list.
So why am I sharing this with you? Because it is important to be aware of how something as simple, and seemingly positive as getting things done, can impact your child’s self worth and future relationships.
Self confidence: Reliant on external validation and motivation
Awareness: Not knowing what about themselves if valuable because these are attached to what others believe if worthy or not
Lack mindset: Viewing the world through what’s missing instead of through what is
Disconnection: From their authentic selves — Not who they are but what they do
Let’s nerd out a bit with some neuroscience from these 3 studies:
Altered reward processing: Studies have shown that early life stress, which can include inconsistent or conditional rewards, may impact neural reward processing systems earlier in development than previously thought. This can lead to aberrant patterns of neural activation and connectivity in reward-related brain regions like the prefrontal cortex and striatum
Altered developmental trajectories: The cascading neural effects of stress related to conditional rewards may begin to take hold as early as six or seven years old, potentially altering core reward-related affective and cognitive processes
Fixed mindset development: Constantly rewarding children only for achievements may lead them to develop a fixed mindset, believing their abilities are static rather than malleable. This can impact their motivation and approach to learning. (In my humble opinion this particular point is what cause a ridiculous amount of stress in adulthood)
Increased anxiety and shame: Reward-based systems that only focus on accomplishments can increase anxiety and shame in children, particularly when they fail to meet expectations
Studies: Opening Doors to Safer and More Inclusive Schools, How the brain responds to reward is linked to socioeconomic background, and Reward-related neural correlates of early life stress in school-aged children
If any of this resonates with you, then you could benefit from this practice:
My Conscious Parenting Coach “prescribed” me the simple practice called “I’ve noticed.” The recommendation was to set an amount of “I’ve noticed” per day, per kid. And the challenge was to make half of those noticed statements about their authentic selves instead of only about the things they do. For example: “I’ve noticed you care a lot for little kids”
Can’t wait to read your comments!
I have something inspiring to share:
My friend, and fellow Conscious Parenting Coach and Founder of Branch Out, Patricia Diaz-Kismarton and I are launching a “camp” for working moms/business owners!!! In this 3-month virtual camp we will be covering topics like the one on this post and providing tools and methods to practice daily.
The camp starts on September 17th. And 45 days before the kick off we will launch a campaign on instagram with daily (8) short videos and messages. We’ve also created a “packing list” with tools to practice ahead of the camp.
If you are interested in receiving all the details about the first-ever camp for working moms/business owners please join the list here.
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