As I started to write this post, my 13 yo boy Iker, asked me what I was doing. *distraction* But what a beautiful distraction this was. I shared with him how I work with parents to help them demistify that their job is to make life perfect for their kids. And, if you know Iker, he has A LOT to share. He gave me permission to share his thoughts:
Everything that comes with being human is not perfect: falling, getting into an argument, losing feelings for something or someone, getting older (this one made my heart melt), etc. All these makes life “unperfect” but it makes it a good life. “Unperfect” (I couldn’t tell him this is not a real word ;) doesn’t make a bad life. It makes it a good life because you explore more if you are willing to be uncomfortable and away from perfection. For example, our life was perfect in New York but if we had stayed only there then I would have not seen 40% of the world.
I then proceeded to show him the video I am attaching here, asked for his feedback, and he said:
Great message Mama, and super unperfect! Take the text and record it again with good audio, without your hair up, and without being burnt like a crisp.
This is not the post I had prepared to write, but I felt super compelled to sharing with you this meaningful conversation I had with Iker, who by no means is having a perfect childhood.
My original approach was going to be to share the impact trying to live a perfect life can have on the development of our kids and on our mental well-being.
Increased Psychological Distress
Children of perfectionist parents are at a higher risk of developing psychological issues like anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation.The constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards can lead to low self-esteem, fear of failure, and emotional suppression.
Lack of Resilience and Coping Skills
Perfectionist parenting tends to be overprotective, preventing children from making mistakes and learning from them.This hinders the development of crucial skills like self-regulation, problem-solving, and independence, making it harder for children to become self-sufficient adults.
Strained Parent-Child Relationship
Parental perfectionism can lead to a lack of satisfaction with parenthood and even regret about becoming a parent.The constant scrutiny and criticism can damage the parent-child bond and deprive children of a nurturing, supportive environment.
Physical Health Issues
The chronic stress associated with perfectionism can manifest in physical symptoms like digestive problems, headaches, migraines, and sleep disorders in children.High levels of stress also weaken the immune system, making children more susceptible to illnesses.
If you consider that children often mirror their parents' attitudes and behaviours, modeling a balanced approach to life that values self-care, mistakes as learning opportunities, and a focus on personal growth over perfection, parents can enhance cognitive flexibility. If we are able to release the belief or the pursuit of the "perfect" childhood that will create a family environment rooted in authenticity, presence, resilience and emotional well-being – qualities that are far more valuable than an unattainable ideal of flawlessness or as Iker would say “unperfectness.”
I also wanted to share with you an article I have enjoyed: The Perfect Parent Myth. Because it synthesizes the concept of the perfect childhood brilliantly. In particular I find this an important opportunity for reframing:
Rather than striving for an unattainable perfect childhood, parents should focus on providing a loving, supportive environment that allows room for growth and adaptation. Seeking professional help when needed and maintaining realistic expectations are key to avoiding undue stress and guilt.
If you watched my video, I invite you to do a tiny task. And I am super curious to learn from you on what are the top three things society or the media have made you believe about creating the perfect childhood for your children?
Leave a comment below…
Share this post